sixty-eight

never-ending drumbeat of sixty-eight beats in chest
light spreads across pale cheeks
breath freezes in air
slip on last stair
mug scalds fingertips
i abhor it all.

how many times have i promised myself that one day

i should again behold the oceans of blue hidden in the shadows

waves cascading over me
promised myself that i should again break the surface, determinedly gasping more air

how many nights have i faced the darkness!
felt it fall soft on my heart, you are strong, you are brave, you will find the end
finally fallen asleep at dawn, pillow soaked with tears

but yesterday
when i screamed your name to the skies

& my own voice was thrown back at me

mocking mocking

it was then when i felt the truth, at last.

there is nothing left.

reverie

i stood in the midst of the field today
watching as the sun fell behind the hills

a ray of lemon light bounced off the earth
lending beauty to the wildflowers and grasses
bringing intricate shadows into being
illuminating the kinks and waves in my hair until it looked flaxen

presently the light that filled the land was ethereal
dreamily i reached into my pocket
pulled out my paint brush
 & swept an arc across the heavens

the paints fell from my brush into the sky
brilliant periwinkle-turquoise
sweet petunia-violet
violent apricot-magenta
and the clouds bloomed with radiance

the heavens are my canvas –

i still can't breathe.

reverie.

fragment

last night i held a fragment of our golden halcyon days

it was brilliant colors that don't exist
insubstantial and translucent
mirroring the gossamer lens of my heart

i held it to my eye & looked at nostalgia
i held it to my ear & heard the echo of dreams and fantasies
i held it to my chest & felt it beat a fierce song
mirroring the rhythm of my heart

i wanted to rip my hair and scream into my pillow

i wanted to laugh and dance in fields of sunflowers
i wanted to cry for joy and for sorrow

and in those moments when time seemed to freeze –
when the hourglass ceased to empty,
when the clock came to a standstill –
all the memories came flooding back
and my heart started to ache again

i clenched the shard tightly
and vowed never to let it go
though the sharp edges cut my fingertips

and in the midst of my agony
it
shattered